Jealous Lover

 A Jealous Lover

I am a jealous lover.

Literally smiling whilst writing this. 😂

I ain't gonna sit pretty and say what people want me to say or act like yh, I'm okay with shii when I'm not.

I am a jealous lover.

I get jealous when my man denies me his attention but freely gives it to someone else.

I get jealous when he hides me but clearly shows off someone else.

When he can't go out with me but somehow has the time to go out with someone else.

When the things I have to ask for are the same things he naturally gives another person.

Yeah...

I get jealous.

And don't get it wrong.

My jealousy isn't the anger type.

It isn't the violence type.

Nah.

Mine is more...

silence.

I'll shut down.

I'll go quiet.

I'll bear it alone.

I'll watch.

I'll think.

I'll probably tell myself I'm overthinking it.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

Maybe it's nothing.

Until I realise...

it isn't nothing to me.

Because I know myself.

I can tolerate a lot.

I can understand you having friends.

I can understand you having your own life.

Do your shii.

Go out.

Have fun.

Be you.

I don't need to be attached to your hip just because I'm your woman.

But there's a difference between having a life outside of me and making me feel like I am the part of your life you keep outside.

And that's where my jealousy comes in.

If you say you love me...

why can't it just be me?

Not literally.

I'm not saying you can't have friends.

I'm not saying you can't talk to other women.

I'm not saying your entire world should suddenly stop because you found me.

No.

That's not what I mean.

I just want to feel like your woman.

I want to feel chosen.

I want to feel like the things you naturally do for other people, you can naturally do for me too.

I want to feel like you are proud to have me.

Like taking me out isn't a burden.

Like showing me isn't a problem.

Like giving me your attention isn't something I have to compete for.

Because tell me...

why ask me if I'm a jealous lover

and then proceed to do things that make me jealous?

Lol.

What exactly were you expecting me to say?

“I'm totally fine, baby.”

😂

No.

I'm a jealous lover.

I know it.

And I'm not ashamed of it.

Because my jealousy doesn't make me violent.

It doesn't make me want to control you.

It doesn't make me want to take away your freedom.

It just tells me something isn't sitting right inside me.

And I'll sit with that feeling.

I'll probably hide it.

I'll probably carry it alone.

I'll probably keep giving you chances to make me feel differently.

But there is one thing about me...

I get jealous until I get tired.

And when I finally have the power to walk away?

That's when the jealousy disappears.

Because at that point, I no longer need to wonder who you're giving your attention to.

I no longer need to compare.

I no longer need to ask why you can do for someone else what you couldn't do for me.

I just leave.

And maybe that's the funniest thing about my jealousy.

It isn't always the beginning of a fight.

Sometimes...

it's the beginning of my goodbye.

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