EASY

Giving LOYALTY when you ain't earned it?

Damn... I be looking dumb/stupid as fuck. 

A lady said this and I was like...

yh.

You're right.

I am stupid/dumb as fuck.

Tell me why I'm giving boyfriend/husband privileges when you ain't earned them?

Why do I never say NO to you?

Why do I put a blind eye to everyone out there just for you?

Why do I give you access, loyalty, attention, my body, my softness...

when you haven't even shown me why you deserve any of it?

I allow sex from the very beginning, knowing sometimes it can ruin things.

Then I sit there later wondering why everything became so easy.

Like...

nah.

I'm stupid.

Because what?

Uuno, the funny thing about these negros is that they know the right thing to do.

Oh, they know.

They ain't chasers for nothing.

They know how to pursue.

They know how to make effort.

They know how to make a woman feel wanted when they actually want to.

Buh somehow...

I make things easy for them.

I give them everything before they've had to do the hard work.

I give boyfriend privileges to somebody who hasn't even asked to be my boyfriend.

I give loyalty to somebody who hasn't earned it.

I give access before commitment.

I give my all...

and then wonder why there's nothing left for them to work for.

Because why would they?

I've already done it all.

And then they go out there and do the real shii for somebody else.

That's the part that stings.

You let me do everything.

You let me love you.

You let me make things comfortable.

You let me give.

And then when it's someone else?

Suddenly there's effort.

Suddenly there's consistency.

Suddenly there's flowers.

Suddenly there's outings.

Suddenly there's the things I begged for.

The things I explained.

The things I cried about.

The things you told me were unnecessary.

And she gets them without even asking.

So tell me...

what exactly am I supposed to call that?

Because sometimes I want to say it's them.

Sometimes I want to say they just weren't capable of giving it to me.

Maybe that's true.

Buh I also have to look at myself.

Because sometimes we give openings to doors that ought to have stayed closed.

Sometimes we hand people keys and then complain that they walked into places they hadn't earned access to.

And this ain't about man, man, man and shii.

It's bigger than that.

It's about boundaries.

About what we give.

Who we give it to.

And whether they've actually earned it.

Because tell me...

how can you tell me you couldn't treat me right, then suddenly your replacement is getting everything I begged you for?

Everything.

Without hesitation.

Without negotiation.

Without me having to explain why it matters.

And I'm supposed to sit there and not question myself?

Lol.

Maybe I'm not stupid.

Maybe I just loved without boundaries.

Maybe I gave too much too soon.

Maybe I confused access with intimacy.

Maybe I thought giving everything would make someone value everything.

And maybe that's where I got it wrong.

Because loyalty isn't supposed to be a reward for being wanted.

It should be a response to being valued.

So yh...

when I look back at some things, I shake my head and say:

“Damn, girl. You made that shit way too easy.”

And maybe that's the lesson.

Not don't love.

Not don't give.

Not become cold.

Just...

make people earn the parts of you they haven't proven they can handle.

Because if I give you the whole house before you've even shown me you can keep the front door locked...

then maybe when you walk away with the keys,

I can't blame you for knowing exactly how easy I made it.

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